January 2022 is leading to the 2nd anniversary of my husband, Dan’s homegoing. Weathering the 1st year was completed, but I knew from prior losses, the 2nd year can be equally as hard but in different ways. Trying to prepare for that 2nd year, I felt as if I was failing, I was floundering, wandering on a path that seemed to be shrouded in utter darkness. Now as a Christian, I should know and remember Who my Hope lies in and yet all I could see was an abyss of nothingness and deep sorrow.
This sorrow was so encompassing, days filled with tears, merely existing. Day in and day out, I couldn’t see beyond the pain. Around March of that year, I would share a thought in a Christian grief group for widows and widowers, and the post read something like this: I know God is here, I just don’t know where He is. I would receive multiple replies, which honestly most of them only irritated me, they seemed like cliché responses. Are you praying? Are you reading your Bible? Listen to good Christian music. Attend church, get involved and the one that just blew me out of the water, are you saved? Well of course I was praying, reading my Bible, listening to Christian music, going to church and YES, I am saved. Then there was one response out of the dozens……..immediately I thought, they understand!
In this man’s response he shared how we are created in the image of God, who made us with emotions, and how those emotions at times can overwhelm us. I reached out to him, which was not like me at all. This man, a widower had faced many challenges in his life and was working with veterans in counseling about grief. He would also introduce me to a widow in the very same group, who later on the Lord would bring together and recently they celebrated their 2nd wedding anniversary. On the day he responded, I had a journal where a countdown of days was being written to when my sorrow was going to end. In my mind, it was the best solution for me and all I cared for. I would tell the Lord, if all I am going to live in…..is sorrow, and I can’t see hope I am useless for your work, so it’s best I just come home.
As this widow, widower and I kept speaking, the Lord would use these two to show me I needed help, beyond them. I reached out to my pastor and told him I need counseling, but not from you. I need grief counseling, those who understand how to help me from a Biblical view. My pastor would recommend a place called Paula’s Hope. I reached out to them; I was assigned a counselor and would begin a journey of the hard work of grief and a place of healing.
Fast forward to November 2024, much has transpired since that time. Yesterday, I was in a village named Myrne, this is in Ukraine where I now live. I moved here in January 2024 to serve as a missionary. In those very dark days, I could not see what lie ahead, I could not see a plan or purpose of what God had in store for my life, BUT He did and does have a plan and purpose for my life and yours.
Jeremiah 29: 11 “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.”
Isaiah 55: 8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Yesterday in the village, a missionary partner would share the story of Lazarus, Mary and Martha from John 11. In verse 4 it reads: “When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.” The story shows us an expectation of Jesus coming on time and healing Lazarus, and yet that is not what Jesus did. Instead, He waited. Did He wait because he was too busy, he didn’t really love them? When he did come, can you imagine how Mary and Martha felt? The sorrow, the disappointment, the confusion as they were friends and Jesus said he loved them, maybe even anger of why didn’t he come on time? The verse gives us the answer. It was to show everyone His power and to bring glory to the proper person, Jesus.
If Jesus had come immediately, they would not have seen His power and thus known the glory of the Lord. If I had not gone thru those dark, sorrow filled days, I could not see what I do today. I would not have the relationship I have with my Abba, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. I would not know His power, I would not have an understanding of Romans 5: 3- 5 “3 And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; 4 And patience, experience; and experience, hope: 5 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us.”
If you are in the midst of a trial, hardship, a place you are wondering what is going on? Hold on, look to the Saviour and know HE sees YOU! There is a work being accomplished; He has a purpose and a plan for each one of His children and yes that includes you if you are His child. It may not be easy at this time; it may be oh so very hard…… remember Psalm 34:18 “18 The Lord is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit.”
Look Up, Keep Serving Jesus, He Is Worthy!
oh sis Stephanie this is my exact testimony too Jan 3 will be Mel’s homecoming 2023 seems it should be easier we are Christian s by the way but God made us unique in ways that we don’t even want to admit hard times are. hard!!! we need Him mote than ever I understand