Today my phone popped up a memory, a memory from 4 years ago. I kept a list of all of Dan’s Drs appointments, medication changes, symptoms and so forth in my phone calendar. This was needful for the many appointments where I needed to relay any odd physical changes that were happening. The memory said: Last night Dan and I slept together in the same bed for the last time.
I remember that night as if it were yesterday. He was on oxygen and had been since the end of December 2019. The last chemo he received had damaged his lungs and from that point on he could not go without it. At first, he used a nasal cannula, which in the night often in his sleep he would remove it. The poor guy, he got used to me reaching over in the night to feel his face, I constantly was checking. I found when his 02 levels dropped thru the night, the next day would be hard for his thought processes. He switched to a mask however with only one strap, it too would often come off in the middle of the night. This was not a good situation. I looked at the mask, it had holes in various places. I took shoestrings and used them as additional straps…. Praise the Lord, they worked. Back to the memory…. we had gone to bed and Dan was asleep. As he slept, he started trembling, not shaking because he was cold…. but in his sleep his body was just trembling. How odd…. what is going on…. why is he shaking so? The thought crossed my mind, what if this is the last time I ever sleep beside my husband? That is a very difficult thought to have and then try to process. As he slept, I snuggled up against him, laid my arm across his chest and fell asleep. Little did I know….it would be the last time.
The next day he would fall again, I could not get him up without his assistance…. which he could not do. So once again, I called 911 and the fire department came. They were so good to him and me, even when they asked him his name and he said Fred….he did not want to go to the hospital again……I called his Dr on her personal cell number she had given me, and she convinced him to go. He would go to the local hospital, then transfer to UAMS over 3 hours away. This is where and when they would determine the cancer had spread to his spinal fluid and to the lining of his brain. There was no cure. Chemo could be given to relieve symptoms, that was all. Covid was just progressing at a fast pace and the hospitals were basically shutting down to anybody other than the patient and staff….no family members. This was so very hard for Dan and me. I had been his caregiver, advocate for over 20 months. He was not mentally capable of understanding all that was happening. I pleaded, begged to be with him. He would call me and ask me to come. It was so very heartbreaking and added more stress for him and me.
I know there are 2 sides to every story. The hospital and all the various staff…. but I am writing as a wife whose husband was terminal. He did not have the mental capacity to make educated decisions at that point. I had to push for a worker to be in the room with him, as he convinced them he could walk….. No, he could not walk by himself. Dan had one round of chemo. For the 2nd round I had a Dr call me and ask permission to do certain things. I found that odd and asked him, why are you calling me? The Dr said, because your husband does not have the ability to consent. This was so very confusing as 2 days prior I had received no such phone call. I asked what is the difference between 2 days ago and now? He had to answer. In this particular conversation, the Dr explained what medication would be given to Dan. He listed one and immediately I told him, Dan is allergic to that. The Dr ask what were the symptoms? I explained and he replied those were not true allergies and it would be fine to give him this medication. I already knew how Dan responded to it. I literally had to threaten the Dr saying I would sue him, if he gave that medication to Dan.
Dan had some amazing, wonderful, compassionate Drs, nurses and other staff. He also had a few that required more patience and at times being the advocate, digging deeper and even saying: no. Dan would come home from UAMS on hospice. He was home 7 glorious days with all of his siblings coming from various parts of the country, his daughters, nephew and family, along with co-workers and many friends. We laughed, played Uno, they told stories and made memoires…. that have to last the rest of our lives. Even though it has been 4 years since all of this transpired, I can only talk or write for so long because the grief starts wearing hard on me. However, just as others comforted me as they had already begun that long road to healing, I now strive to do the same. II Corinthians 1:4 Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are.
